There came a point, when I was in kindergarten, when I decided I wouldn’t be participating in recess anymore. I liked recess just fine, but I was sick and tired of being pushed onto the pavement by the sixth graders when the bell rang and everybody started hauling booty towards the doors. I feel a little bit like that when I drive in really windy conditions, as I did today. I drive a Corolla, which like me is small, but also like me isn’t a wispy-thin, supermodel mini-cooper. Perhaps a larger sedan would fare better, but if SUVs feel like they’re going to tip over in high winds (so I’ve heard), then my car must be one of the sturdier ones, mustn’t it? In any case, I’d much rather drive in windy conditions than snowy or icy. The two times I’ve driven in icy conditions I’ve wound up teetering on the edge of the ditch. Now that I have to go to work so early in the morning, the threat of icy conditions, which in this state usually wear off before I’m up and dressed, are more real. I was sure today was the day my life would unravel as I tried to go to work, but wound up in the median with a battered car, then became unable to pay for said car’s repairs, causing me to lose my job and wind up homeless in the sewers. However, even if all that had happened, at least I wouldn’t have to get up at 5:30 in the morning.
I’ve decided upon reading numerous news reports the past two weeks about the popularity of fat blogs which preach acceptance of fat people and try to debunk the stereotypes which surround them that my blog shall have a new purpose: To gain acceptance and try to debunk the stereotypes surrounding night owls. I think if you took a nationwide or worldwide poll (and if somebody hasn’t already posed this question on the Wii “Everybody Votes” channel, I’ll have to submit it toute suite), you would find that more than 50% of the population consider themselves to be night owls as opposed to morning people. Even people that rise far earlier than I consider themselves night owls, or at the very least, not morning people, whatever that means to them. Fat people (and according to the new reports, that’s what those bloggers prefer to be called) are just looking for acceptance of their mostly genetic condition. They say the myth is that fat people are fat because they sit around eating fatty things all day, but that’s not true. Many of them have dieted with little or no success, and at some point decided to give up trying to fit into the rail-thin accepted standard of beauty and accept their bodies for what they are. It’s all the same with us night people. With enough willpower and practice, I can diet my way into an earlier riser and even feel good about myself, but there comes a point where I just can’t diet any earlier. All you morning people that say, “well just go to bed a little earlier.” Well why don’t you just stay up a little later? Not that simple, is it? When I was preparing myself for the 5:30 a.m. rise time, I did some research on the Internet about how to become an early riser. Most sites suggest just doing it. Just consistently get up when your alarm goes off and also, cut out the caffeine. (FYI – I don’t drink caffeine.) And again, I believe that will work to a certain point. The myth that is being propogated by these sites is that of the old adage “The early bird gets the worm.” That if you become an early riser, you will therefore become more successful. I think that’s a bunch of baloney. High grade, Oscar Meyer b-o-l-o-g-n-a. Nice packaging, but when you go to eat it, it’s still baloney. I’m always energized and surfing on my second wave of energy around 9 or 10 o’clock at night, and for me this time would be better spent working than trying to sleep. And using this time productively will have a better chance of making me successful than trying in vain to sleep through it. I’m guessing sales people are one of the types that would be more successful as early riser, like the bunch I work with, because at least on the West Coast you can actually get work done at 7 a.m. by making those phone calls to the East Coast. But I spend the four and half hours from when I get to work to when I go to lunch drifting in and out of a sleep-deprived stupor. I would get more done much faster if I were working later. And look at all the novelists and musicians and artists out there. Even the successful ones aren’t painting at 5 a.m. unless they’ve been painting all night. So fat people, I accept you for who you are, and if I could make you those button-up pants and burn all the elastic waists, I would. And blond people, I accept your blondness and all the cuteness and ditziness that comes with it. And I implore all of you late night people out there to stand up and revolt! Make it known you work better later in the day and don’t take no for an answer or 7 a.m. for a start time! Demand acceptance of this lifestyle and let it be known that we are not lazy (well I’m sure some of us are), and we just have that good productive energy later in the night when all you morning people are snoozing away.
I think this movement will need its own bracelet. I’m thinking black with owls.
Shameless Product Placement – I’m always looking for tasty drinks that aren’t filled with high fructose corn syrup but also aren’t laden with disgusting sweeteners like Sucralose or Splenda. I like juice but a lot of juices for some strange reason make me feel thirsty even after I’m done drinking them. They also, unfortunately, have the tendency to pack two or three times as many calories as a soda. So I was elated when I tried Izze, a beverage made with sparkling water and pure fruit juice, and loved it. I’ve been a fan of Clearly Canadian for a long time, a drink made with real sugar and not high fructose corn syrup, but it is nearly impossible to find anymore, except in its sucralose sweetened state. I think some people might find Izze just a tad bitter but I like this as it takes the edge off the sometimes overt sweetness of straight juice. It has roughly the same amount of calories as a same-sized soda. I’m expecting a call from the Izze people any day now.